The Mayo Incident.
Define: Mayo
Mayo is a food, and should not be cried over, fought over or be used to be threatened with (unless you’re in a food fight of course, or a sandwich making contest). But today, mayo “caused” three of those things to happen. (“caused” in quotations because I am not going to blame a non-living object on my own anxiety issues) Anywho, it was 12:00 PM, just starting the afternoon. And in this hospital, you know what time that meansssssss! Lunch time.
Although I did not know what I was having, I wasn’t very nervous – I never really am. But, this is what it was:
(Incase you could tell, the first picture was supposed to be turkey and bread… a turkey sandwich). And of course, in that meal as well on the plate, was a side of mayo. Mind you, I have ever ate mayo in my life, and knowing that a lot of people with EDs fear mayo, and I still ate it without a problem, was an achievement. But of course nothing is ever good enough. My meal time is over and I am full as a horse. I think that anyone would say that that was a lot to put in a meal, especially with a drink as well. My 1on1 looked at my tray and called the nurse (MY nurse, not the one that is introduced a few minutes later) to make sure that leaving the bit of mayo was okay, since I had nothing to put it on now. Pause The mayo was NOT in a packet, not in a container, it was on the PLATE. Obviously a condiment is going to be hard to scrape off a plate with a PLASTIC knife. CONTINUE. She said it was okay.
So while my stomach was bloated and full, I get bad in bed for my 1 hour rest period. Five minutes after my tray was taken, a nurse comes in with a cup. I thought it might have been more laxatives, I think you can figure that one out on yourself, but nope, what do you know it was my best friend:
I started flipping out. The only mayo left was a little bit on the plate, the part that I couldn’t scrape off. But hold on, I’m lying, I didn’t start flipping out until I saw the amount in the cup. As most of you know, Boost is pretty “boosted” with calories, it’s not a little 10 calorie bottle, not even close. So for there to be that much Boost, almost 8 OZ in there for a little bit of mayo? FUCK NO. I started debating with the nurse, telling her that first of all they didn’t even come in the room to check how much mayo was left, so how could they have even measured it to the right amount? Also, there was way too much anyways for just a condiment. After a minute or two she poured some out into the sink but there was a still good 4 OZ in the cup. Thank GOD that my one and only favorite 24/7 room person (1on1) was in the room with me for lunch, or else I don’t know what would have happened.
I told the nurse I was still not going to drink the Boost, so she said okay, then you’ll get the feeding tube. I told them that my mom wouldn’t let them do that, and she responded with that I had 15 minutes to drink it. I started hyperventalating and called my mom, but I couldn’t even talk so I had to hand the phone over to my 1on1. My mom was 20 minutes away and they were doing the tube in 15 minutes if I didn’t drink the Boost. I was in panic mode. To save you the bore, my 1on1: Andra, was my cheerleader and really helped me in the 15 minutes I had. I had to make the right choice for my body and for the people around me and for me emotionally. Having a tube would most likely NOT give me any sort of chance of possibly getting discharged tomorrow. I am glad that I made the right choice, and I thank whoever is up in the sky for allowing her to be in the room while I was having one of my worst times here.
Dinner was okay, it was chicken fingers, green beans, crackers, a fruit cup of peaches, and milk. Wish the milk wasn’t there, but whatever. Anywho, BBQ sauce was the condiment (what is with condiments today?!?!?!) and I hate condiments to begin with. I have never had BBQ sauce, chicken fingers, or green beans, but my worst fear was the green beans taste wise. I did NOT want to get supplemented for a VEGETABLE. That’s just silly. I saved those for last, not realizing that I left a tiny bit of BBQ sauce in the container, yes they were smart enough to give me a container this time. I ended up having to dip the horrible, cold green beans in the sauce and thank god I was smart enough to save a bit of milk to wash the taste down. I’m excited to brush my teeth, that’s all I will say.
A few things that need to be said:
Comment: “Wow, I am so glad your in the hospital. Just the way your mindset is shows how deep in your ED you are…”
Okay, while this may be true – I do have an eating disorder and it doesn’t disappear in one day. It takes lots of time, therapy and patience. I do not have a therapist right now and I was not “prepared” to come into here and suddenly have my whole routine with exercise and eating be changed. I am not in the hospital for my eating disorder, I am here for my heart and while my heart may be linked to my eating disorder, that’s not why I’m in the hospital.
Comments about what your experience at CHOP was and how they didn’t give you the right amount of boost, etc
Although I have already referred to this above, because it was proven to me today that they do not, this is not a helpful comment, I don’t know if was meant to be unhelpful or the other way around, but assuming you have an eating disorder as well, it was not a helpful comment and I think you’d know that.
Well to be honest, you are in the hospital not only because of your heart, but because of your low weight, meaning that even if your heart does get better, your weight would need to be more stable. Also, I agree with the comment about the person being glad you are in he hospital. I am not trying to be rude at all, but it was about time you got admitted into the hospital. You are really deep into your ED, which you probably already know, and as much as you wish you could do this all on your own at home, you can’t. Some of the things you say really makes me and lots of others worry. I know it’s not fair that some people can do it without the hospital, but others can’t. It does not make you a bad person, it just means you need more help and support. Whenever ED puts a thought into your mind, you should tell someone about it so they can help you see how illogical it is. Anyways, I hope that you really benefit from your stay at the hospital and good luck with your recovery.
Actually, that’s not true. I am only in here for my heart. Once my heart is okay, which intertwines with my weight – as my weight goes up my heart gets better, so actually I would get discharged when my heart is ready. I appreciate everyone’s concern, but am mentally stable and just because I use twitter as my journal and it’s an in the moment thing, doesn’t mean I’m going to act on the actions I think.
Oh okay I see what you are saying now. It’s just that some of the things you say just really show how deep you are into your ED, so although you may not act on those thoughts every time, it still sounds like you are really struggling, like when you restrict and see you are loosing weight, but don’t do anything about it right away. I know that you are trying and I know that this illness is the toughest thing you’ll go through, all I’m saying is that you might want to seek extra help since some things you seem to not be able to fix yourself. I just really want to see you better not only physically but mentally as well.
Honestly, you are in there for your ED. If you were just in there for your heart you wouldn’t be in an ED program and be on a meal plan with boosts, ect. Normal people who go in for heart problems would get to eat whatever they want, and doctors wouldn’t even care about how much/little they ate. You are in there for your ED and heart.
And I would recommend eating the food rather than getting the boost. The boost is always more calories than food. I’ve seen people not finish a container of broccoli and get a whole thing of boost. Most likely it’s boost plus, thats what they normally have in the hospital.
I wanted to apologize for what I said before. You obviously had a problem with what I wrote about my time at CHOP. I honestly did not mean for you to be offended or triggered or anything else by what I had said. If I knew that you were going to have a problem with it, I wouldn’t have said it. I think you are a great and lovely person and would not want to hurt you! I couldn’t be more proud of how you handled lunch. I hope and pray that your heart improves and don’t have any long-term damage done. Andra is truly fantastic and was one of my favorite 1:1s as well. We all know that you can do it and I see that you are truly trying and succeeding in fighting your eating disorder! I can’t believe how far you have come and (not to sound cheesy) you are one of my inspirations. And you are also handling your hospitalization really well, too! Get well soon!
-Lauren
When I was inpatient, they told us if we didn’t finish the butter, syrup, salad dressing, etc. we had to lick it by itself, if we couldn’t spread it on something. The morning after I was admitted, they gave me a glass of milk with my cereal and I couldn’t finish it without nearly throwing up because I have never drank milk since I was little because I don’t like the taste and am lactose intolerant (which they thought I was making up, until they tested me), and she threatened me with the tube. I couldn’t understand because I WANTED to eat/drink what they gave me, I just never liked that particular thing, or didn’t have the room to finish all of something. “Food is your medicine”, she said, as she walked out. I remember weeks later drinking chocolate milk from the carton and a nurse reported me because there was a drop, literally a DROP of milk left that I didn’t realize, and confronted me and made me “drink” it. The next day the team came in and asked if I was “afraid of milk”.
Really proud you made the effort to try the mayo and BBQ sauce. Though you didn’t like the BBQ sauce, and weren’t used to either condiments, what’s more important is that you tried them and made the effort. It’s a lot easier to just comply with them, then to fight it so they can see you are wanting to try new things, etc. They are not going to think you’re ready to go home until you can eat what they give you there and not rely on the supplement. As meals become more easier to finish, the Boost eventually vanishes (unless there is something you really cannot eat). It does get easier. Continue to keep your head up.
PS: Do they have “Boost Pudding” there? Sometimes I supplemented with that instead of the drinkable Boost. I found it was easier on my stomach, because the volume was not as great as the drinkable Boost.
Hi
. I’ve never commented before, but I love your blog! I just wanted to say Im proud of the way you pulled through and just did it. You are very strong, and I hope the rest of your stay goes well. I was at childrens hospital where I live a few times, and I got to pick the food. Will you ever get to pick your meals? That might make it a little more enjoyable. I just wanted to say stay strong hun, you will get through this <3.
ps- I know the anons were saying you were making comments on twitter. I think it's a good way to get those feelings out, and tell SOMEONE. It's better than keeping them to yourself, and then letting them take you over, you know? I had many thoughts like that during my hospital stays, but didn't tell anyone, which led to me just thinking about everything too much and it was not good! So do whats good for you, if getting things out helps you, do it!
Jess I’ll support you through all of this. <3 Plus I think they may have spoken to your parents when you got admitted.. or even your doc.. when you said that you were starting the boost.. <3 I love how you are trying to eat and trying to keep calm. I know i'd of lost it days ago. <3
Hi Jess! I just wanted to say that I’ve been following you on twitter for a while, and I was worried about you when you said you were going to have to stay in the hospital. I really hope you’re doing better soon, and I hope you stay strong in recovery.
I agree that I think what the nurses did about the mayo was a little bit unreasonable. It doesn’t seem fair that one nurse said it was okay to leave a bit on the plate, and then another said it wasn’t fine. But I’m happy for you that you made the choice that you knew was right!
I wish you would blog everyday!
[...] Anywho, I’m kind of getting off track. In the middle of meal planning, my computer kind of… well… froze and made this loud, obnoxious buzzing sound, so we didn’t get to finish meal planning face to face, (if you want to call web-camming “face to face”) so I decided to take it upon myself to write out the rest of what I was going to eat tomorrow (which is now today) and sent it to her in a Facebook message. She made changes that she felt were necessary to make sure I was getting the caloric value I should be getting, at least for today (everyone should know that you constantly need to boost your calories as needed – this depends on your weight [if you're gaining or not], your energy level, etc). One of the things that she told me to add to my lunch today was my long lost friend: mayo. [...]