My Accountability is Challenged
So, you know how I am kind of, just a bit, terrified of accountability? Well that is being challenged.
After a long, needed, webcam chat with Karina, we wrote out a meal plan for me for today, kind of like a baseline. Karina is kind of like a goddess from Texas. I have admired her for so long, and in the past few months I personally feel we have had some kind of connection. But yesterday I got a even bigger glimpse into how amazing, real, and wonderful she is. (did I mention wonderful?) Although I have a therapist, I feel like it is so much easier to express how I feel to someone who has been and is still struggling [somewhat] with an eating disorder. I felt so open with her and good.
One thing that stood out to me, that she said, was that “if you are ashamed of telling someone what you ate or didn’t eat, it probably wasn’t the right decision for your health”. I am not going to go into the reason why she said that, but think about it. If someone in recovery from anorexia ate a piece of bread for their lunch and didn’t want to tell their mom they only ate that because they knew they would get in trouble, it probably wasn’t the right decision to make. (No, I did not only eat a piece of bread for lunch, I am just using that as an example) You need to imagine that you had to truthfully tell someone what you ate that day – if you would want to change something and make it more at the end of the day, you probably didn’t try your best. (but I guess it is a step that you’re aware of it, right?)
Anywho, I’m kind of getting off track. In the middle of meal planning, my computer kind of… well… froze and made this loud, obnoxious buzzing sound, so we didn’t get to finish meal planning face to face, (if you want to call web-camming “face to face”) so I decided to take it upon myself to write out the rest of what I was going to eat tomorrow (which is now today) and sent it to her in a Facebook message. She made changes that she felt were necessary to make sure I was getting the caloric value I should be getting, at least for today (everyone should know that you constantly need to boost your calories as needed – this depends on your weight [if you're gaining or not], your energy level, etc). One of the things that she told me to add to my lunch today was my long lost friend: mayo.
Most of you know how I feel about mayo, and if you don’t you can click on the word “mayo” mentioned in the above paragraph, but after I came home from the hospital I had ever intention to never eat mayo again by choice. Ever. But with all the respect I have for Karina, I couldn’t lie to her and tell her I ate it when I didn’t, and I couldn’t refuse it because that would mean I’m listening to my eating disorder. So I took it with a stride.
… when I woke up this morning, though, I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Yesterday, one of the many things I told her I was going to do was record myself eating everything on my meal plan (as long as I could – my iPod is kind of dead right now and my laptop is still kind of broken… so I’ll see how much I can upload tonight for her) – not because she would love to watch me stuff my face with food, but for accountability. I would have loved to wake up and go along with my normal calorie intake and skipped the cream cheese on my bagel, which I have never had before, skipped the grapes we agreed one (since I’m trying to get over my fear of sugar), skipped the sandwich, or at least not have put the amount of cheese she told me I should add on it… and of course skipped the mayo. But I was now being held accountable by her. This morning/afternoon has been one of the most scariest things ever… but I am doing it. And I am being honest. And I feel good.
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