The Unknown

What have I been up to the past few weeks?

I turned 16

I hung out with some friends (gaasp)

I got some awesome, new, “grown-up” jewelry  

Obtained a boyfriend at Red Lobster when I went to my Birthday dinner  

Redid my bedroom

… and that’s about it 

And after writing the above portion of this blog post, it kind of makes me extremely upset – almost the point where I wish I never wrote this at all. But sometimes I need a wakeup call. The fact that I have done such few things in over a month just goes to show how much of a standstill I am at right now. Yes, I’m alive. Yes, I’m going to school… but that is all I am doing. My whole life revolves around food, school, and the internet. I rarely hang out with people, or do things that would be normal for a teenager to do.

I have never been good with the unknown. I guess that the main thing(s) holding me back is the unknown. I lay in my bed, almost every single night, and think the big question:

Will recovery actually bring me the things that I want?

What are the things I want?

I want to love the way that I look – that includes being toned and lean

I want to be able to go to the gym this summer with my mom

I want to be able to eat what I want, whenever I want, without abiding by the “rules” I have set for myself

I want to find out who I am, and what my interests are besides counting calories and spending endless hours on the internet

But more importantly?

I want a social life. I want to be able to have plans with friends a few times a week… heck, a few times a month would be fine with me! I want to be able to make plans with people I don’t talk to often and not feel like I have nothing to talk to them about because my mind is so consumed by the food we may or may not be eating when we are together.

I am not gaurenteed any of this, and this is what scares me the most. I don’t know that I am suddenly going to have a social life when I am healthier. I don’t know if my thoughts about food will ever stop consuming me. I just don’t see, as hard as I try and challenge this fear, where friends are suddenly going to start popping up out of no where. It seems to have happened for one person I know who is recovered, but that’s one person out of many. And we are two different people. What proof do I have that the same will happen to me? So my question is, why take the risk?

These are normal fears of anyone recovering from an eating disorder, and I can use the unknown as an excuse, or I can take a leap of faith. I think I will try harder at taking that leap.

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