Drive
Drive v. Propel or carry along by force in a specified direction
The one thing, the one and only thing that is driving me right now is staying out of treatment. There has been too many times in the past few weeks that I had to fear for my life that I was going to get admitted and I am sick of it. I am sick of going to these doctors and worrying that they will affect how the rest of my night will turn out. I am sick of sitting in class and not being able to think about anything else besides the pulses I am counting – I have recently taken up the obsession of taking my pulse because I fear if I don’t I will be surprised when I get to my appointment and it is too low. No me gusta surprises.
Although I am sick of these things, they seem to be the only things that I am sick of. I still love the feeling of an empty stomach, I love the dizziness that I feel when standing up, the short little blackouts that I get, the sick look that I have, and the fact that my eating disorder is ‘unique’ to me. I guess that is a big part of what I feel my eating disorder is ‘about’. It makes me feel so gosh-damn special to have an eating disorder. Although they are coming more and more common, it’s still something to say that I have. (although I refuse to let it define me) I feel as if I have no other special talents. I quit viola years ago. I don’t feel I can do anything with my writing. Reading really isn’t a ‘talent’. I like to draw but I’m not very good at it… my eating disorder sets me apart from most people. Without it, I am just another one of the 7 billion people in this world.
So that is why I am hanging onto the idea that I could be admitted into the hospital or treatment at anytime. And that is something I don’t want in the least bit. Now, before I go on, I do realize that treatment is beneficial for some people and I am no way “bashing” people who go to treatment. In fact, I know someone who is going into treatment tomorrow and I am so happy for her, that she is getting help. I am so proud of her. But for me, I know what I do well with and what I do not. Yes, people can say “you’ve never been to treatment so how you know it won’t help?” but I can say the same thing – “I’ve never been to treatment, so how do you know it will help?” Here are my reasons of not wanting to go into treatment
1. No privacy – I can’t stand not having privacy. I am a very private person, and not even being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower without someone ontop of me isn’t very appealing to me. I would feel so un-human, and it really offends me that they wouldn’t trust me enough to go to the bathroom or take a shower.
2. Not ‘the real world’ – Yes, yes. People can defend this all they want, and say that they will teach you the skills you need int he real world, and that they even have restaurant challenges and stuff like that, but I honestly don’t see it working for me. I need to already be in the environment. If I am there, I am forced to eat. I am forced to not lose. I am more accountable. But just knowing me and who I am and how I think, if I am not happy when I get home, it is so easy to just go back to behaviors. I need to be eliminating behaviors while at home so that there ISN’T anything to adjust to – I’ll already be in the “real world”.
3. Being away from home – Although I am not one to be homesick, after a month or two.. whoa. I can’t imagine being in a treatment center for more than a week, nevermind not seeing any of my family/pets for months upon months. That is just insane to me.
4. Staying in school – although this isn’t a huge motivation for me right now, like if it were being taken out of school OR go to treatment, I’d be fine with getting taken out of school. But getting taken out TO go to treatment would just… screw things up for me big time. I’m in sophomore year, and I already missed half of 8th grade and half of freshmen year. I want to continue the friendships I am making, and continue focusing on school and feel as if I am accomplishing something. I don’t want to have to get taken out and do all of that all over again. D:
5. Weight gain – Yes, I am aware I am in dire need to gain weight. But from what I hear, most treatment centers make you gain 2-3 pounds a week… some even half a pound a day. I couldn’t deal with that… I just truly could not. I’m fine with a pound a week… a pound and a half, but even that seems like way too much sometimes. There is not way in HELL that I could do more in that…
6. Not being able to see my body changing – I guess that goes a lot with the no privacy thing. You don’t really get the privacy to use mirrors and stuff…. so I wouldn’t be able to check my body in the mirror. I know that is an eating disorder behavior, but like knowing my weight, it helps me know that I am not the 200 pound person that I feel like I am, especially after eating like they would make me eat.
7. No comfort – Yes, I am aware that I need to be eating just as much at home to gain weight as I would in treatment. But at least at home I would have the comfort to go in my bed at night after a day full of uncomfortable eating. To pet my kitty to make me feel better. To have friends to talk to. I just can’t see myself being any sort of comfortable in treatment.
I just really need to do this at home. I need to try harder and I need all of my thoughts to show in my actions. Because maybe if I start acting on the things that I am saying, I will begin to find more reasons to want to recover.
