Steps or Stairs?
I was sitting on the toilet and sitting about this question – which do you prefer to say: ‘stairs’ or ‘steps’? I think I tend to say ‘steps’ more…
Speaking of steps, I’ve been making some pretty positive ones lately…
- I have been been able to have “real” lunches lately, with different components and food groups instead of mixes of random things that did not get me to the calories I needed to be having.
- I have been able to be okay with higher fat intakes.
- I have been a tiny bit more flexible with my sodium intake, although it is still something I need to work on.
- I have been a lot more open with my mom and dad – openly talking about my achievements and struggles lately.
- I have made an effort to make plans with friends, even though none of them have actually worked out… -_-
- I have constantly met the calorie goals I have been setting for myself and going the extra step to eat or drink something else if I am not fully there by the end of the day.
- I have been making meal plans so that I am not blindly going into the day not having some kind of guide.
- Last night I thought that I was low on my calories so I decided to drink a full glass of milk, which is a huge deal for me. Afterwards, I counted up my calories again and realized that I was at my calorie goal before I drank the milk. I did not even break a sweat and went with the flow. I took a shower to get my mind off of the situation, and looked at it as an unintentional opportunity to get me to my next calorie goal that I needed to get to without too much pain.
I am really proud of myself for what I have been able to accomplish lately, but I still recognize that I have a long way to go before I reach the top of the stair case, but I think that I am slowly but surely getting there.
I guess one of the main things that I want to talk about is number five – making plans with friends. Making plans with friends and going out and doing things is something I have been struggling with for quite a few months, if not the past year. I do not have social anxiety, it is more that I have isolated myself to the point where when I make plans or have plans to do something I usually want to back out of them because I don’t want to go out. I would rather be at home, on the computer or just sitting on the couch and doing nothing. Having everything structured with my meals, knowing what I’m going to eat next, and not being forced to be around people if somehow my mood changes while I’m out with the people and I suddenly want to go home.
I am realizing how unhappy I am being home all of the time, and not really having friends to do things with and I think that it is a big step for me to realize this instead of being happy to have no social life. I am finally wanting a life outside of my eating disorder. With this, though, comes the disappointment of realizing I have lost a lot of my friends I have made throughout the years because I have isolated so much and they now know me as the depressed, anorexic girl who isn’t much fun to be around. I now have to break the stigma that I have placed upon me.
In the past few weeks I have tried multiple times to make plans with a few different people and none of those plans have worked out and it wasn’t because of something on my part. This is very discouraging and it makes me realize that I really need to build new relationships with people. I hear that it gets better as I get healthier, but my question is… does it really? I don’t see any potential friends – it’s going to be all of the same people in my school when I go back next year… and I’m already close to ending my sophomore year where everyone has their friends and groups that they hang out with. Where am I going to fit into all of this? I really struggle with seeing a point in recovering when I don’t have anything to look forward to, and I don’t see me having anymore of a life than sitting around on the couch and eating and gaining weight.
I have been searching around the internet and newspaper for clubs/activities for teens such as pottery classes or writing classes, but all I seem to be able to find are classes for dance and sports and it’s pretty discouraging. I do, though, have a little hope because I turn 16 in less than a month (*cough* February 5th *cough*) so hopefully I will be able to get a job which will get me out of the house and hopefully allow me to make a few friends.
I guess my point is, yes, I’m making these strides to do the right thing in my recovery and I go to sleep proud, but I wake up and reality hits me that I am still stuck with no friends, and nothing to look forward to because only time will tell if things do get better.
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