Weighing out the Options

No pun intended.

It is a pretty scary thought to think that I am in the same place, if not in a more dangerous place, that I was this time last year. It seems as if fall/winter are the time periods in which my eating disorder gets stronger and I feel the need to “cuddle” with my eating disorder. So much for a cuddle buddy, eh?

Although I may have been making improvements with my food… it isn’t enough for where my body is at right now. I guess my body is just sucking up whatever I give it, which isn’t that much. My doctor has been wanting to admit me for months because of my weight, but luckily I am invincible when it comes to vitals and that has been what has been what has been keeping me out of the hospital. Yesterday was the day that things were supposedly going to be decided – do I go into the hospital or not? But I managed to have it pushed back. Again. Saying that it’s only been a week since I started doing better with food, and that I need just another week. My doctor is concerned that I could develop re-feeding syndrome re-feeding at home, but honestly that is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard of. I don’t see what is different about being home and eating and being in the hospital and eating. There is nothing different except I have privacy, I’m not on bed rest… and other obvious things that I am sure you can think of for yourself.

I guess I am kind of rushing this blog post, and not writing the way that I wish (with better grammar, having my words actually make sense, including more detail) because I am at a point where I need to make a decision. The last thing my mom could think of to keep me out of the hospital, because obviously she doesn’t want her daughter in the hospital if she is pretty safe vital wise at least for this week, was to keep me home from school. It was either that or be admitted into the hospital. I agreed, but after coming home and having a while to think about it, I panicked.

Everything I am learning is so hard right now, I could never teach it to myself at home.
I want to improve my grades from last quarter – I can’t do that at home!
I’m going to lose all of my friends again!
My depression is going to worsen sitting on the couch and doing nothing.
I am functioning just fine… why do I need to be taken out of school?f

Without me saying anything, my mom brings up the same general idea – maybe I should think about it a bit more. Honestly, I’ve been functioning just fine at this weight/with these vitals for the past few months. Yes, my weight has gone down each week. But now I am trying to increase and do this at home. Things are going to get better… why should I take myself out of school for a few weeks when things are getting better? If I was going to be taken out of school, it should have been done a few weeks ago when I was doing worse than I am now.

I really am stuck on what to do, although I told my mom that I do want to go back. Because I do. It just feels weird going against what the doctor said… but seriously, it’s not like I’m walking around and fainting all of the time or that I’m unable to concentrate. It just seems to silly for me to get pulled out of school again. I guess my mind is made up after writing this. I was originally going to do a pros and cons list, but it seems as if this blog was one big jumbled list of it’s own. There really isn’t much more to discuss… I guess blogging and writing it out just helped to sort my thoughts, although it probably didn’t make it easier on you guys – I’m sure you’re confused as heck.

I hate having options, sometimes.